Summary: Jaejoong hoped that if he closed his eyes tight enough it wouldn't be true.
Okay, I wrote this during the last ten minutes at work. It's short and somewhat depressing (I know, what's wrong with me???), but it's what came out..and so here I'll post it.
The nightmare came again last night. It was dark, it's always dark and I could hear only the sound of my heart beating and my slow almost shallow, breathing in my head. I was alone, so utterly alone. I lay curled up on the bed that was once ours and stroked the pillow that lay next to me. Tears flowed from my eyes, and tickled across my nose to fall soundlessly on the stark white pillow case. The stark emptiness of the pillow next to me, echoed the deep dark ache within my being. I felt hollow.
I can't ever remember feeling so empty. I have grieved before, but never like this. I had cried for hours and hours and lay spent time and time again. At one point I thought that I had no other tears to cry, but then a telltale drop ran down my cheek, the torrents fell open once again. How long had I been like this? Days? Weeks? I can't recall. Time is meaningless now. Without you there is nothing.
I'll never forget the words as they fell from your lips.
"I don't love you, I never loved you."
I stood there blinking in the brilliant sunlight, my mind struggling to wrap itself around what you were telling me. Never? How could you say never? What about all those nights you cradled me in your arms? What about those happy moments we shared, laughing, singing. What about that cool autumn day where we sad next to a lake on a red and yellow checkered blanket, your head in my lap, and you told me that you and I shared a love that was forever? How could all of that have been a lie? Was everything that fell from your lips a lie? Did I never know you at all, not even a little bit?
You held every little piece of me in the palm of your hand, and you took that palm and poured me out upon the dry desert sand to evaporate in the harsh sun. Maybe that's a good thing though. Perhaps now I'll mix with the dry dusty ground and allow the wind to carry me away, this way I won't have to face tomorrow alone. I won't have to remember what you've done to me.
So, here I lay silent and cold, the very core of me wounded beyond repair. I am stuck in this nightmare, the one I keep thinking I'll wake from. I keep thinking that if I close my eyes tight enough and shut out the light of day, that I'll open them under the softness of twilight and find you there, standing before me, arms out, waiting. Those words will have never left your lips and I will still be safe and secure in the knowledge that my world is real, and that there will be a tomorrow because you are there.
So, I close my eyes now and pray that my tomorrow will never come. I breathe out a sigh, a whisper, a name, your name.