Summary: It's gray outside just like Junsu's mood.
x-posted to: hug______, min_su
Just a little something I threw together this afternoon. It was raining outside but it there was still sun. It seemed to fit my mood today. I'm not sure I like it much, but *shrug*
A low rumble echoed throughout the apartment. Junsu walked over to the window and laid his cheek against its cold surface. A dark sky cast a gray pallor on the surrounding apartments. A sigh escaped Junsu’s lips. His heart felt as gray as they sky. He felt so empty inside. He just couldn’t figure out why.
A week ago, Junsu had packed up two months worth of clothes and declared that he needed a break. He had been working non-stop and every inch of him was exhausted. He needed to escape. He needed time away, time away from everyone and everything. He told himself that he would used this time to center himself, to rediscover all that he wanted in life. Plus, it might even get rid of the ever-increasing gnawing sensation that had been sitting in his stomach for months.
The trip thus far had been a disaster. Junsu stayed exactly one night in the lovely cabin he had rented. The rats scurrying across the floor and the bugs scattering every time he turned on a light had sent him seeking more comfortable accommodations. Junsu called in a favor from a friend, and set up a week at his apartment. The apartment complex was near the river and had several wonderful amenities. Junsu spent the first day sitting outside on the porch attempting to read, and telling himself that this solitude was just what he needed. But, as he stood here leaning against the cold windowpane, he felt anything but happy. His mood had grown more pensive, and more melancholy, and the pain in his stomach had grown.
Junsu walked back into his bedroom. He flopped down on his stomach, lying sideways across the queen size bed. He grabbed the remote control and flipped on the television. He needed something to fill his mind, something besides this emptiness. The screen flickered to life and it filled with the sounds of music. Junsu had left the TV on MTV earlier, while he was cleaning up. He always worked better to music. Junsu listened to the lovely sounds coming from the woman on the screen. Her dark hair and eyes captivated him. He laid there staring into her eyes and suddenly they became another set of dark eyes.
Junsu’s mind’s eye flashed back in time, back to before he had this awful pain in his stomach, back to another gray afternoon. Junsu stood next to an old building. It was beginning to rain, and wetness ran off his nose and eyelashes. Junsu heard the cameraman yell, and then heard the opening and closing of a door as Changmin walked out. Changmin slowly walked up to Junsu, not saying a word. He just stood there, staring at Junsu. Their eyes met and locked. Junsu’s heart beat a little bit faster for some reason; maybe it was the look in Changmin’s eyes. Changmin reached out and held his hand up and allowed raindrops to splatter across it, some dripping away, others remaining to pool in his hand.
Changmin took the small puddle of rain he had collected, tilted his hand and let it run slowly down his arm. Junsu’s eyes followed the path the water took as it ran along the smooth creamy skin of Min’s inner arm. Changmin said something then, and Junsu looked back up into Min’s eyes. Changmin walked up to Junsu, ran his hands up his chest over his shoulders, knotted them behind Su’s neck and then leaned in and kissed Junsu.
Junsu had never kissed a guy before. Heck, he had never kissed a girl before. His first impression was of softness and warmth. Junsu felt the warmth of Changmin’s breath mixing with his own. He felt the softness of Changmin’s lips and skin as it brushed along Junsu’s arms and neck. Junsu found himself kissing Changmin back. He found his mouth opening to receive Changmin’s advances, and he found his arms wrapping around the younger man.
The rain began to fall harder, soaking Junsu’s clothes and making his hair stick to his face. He was completely unaware of all of this though. Junsu had lost himself in the kiss. He had lost himself in Changmin. Junsu heard a cough, and suddenly his world zoomed back in. His eyes snapped open, and his whole being went stiff in Changmin’s embrace. Jaejoong stood in the doorway, waiting to be acknowledged. Junsu dropped his arms and quickly removed himself from Changmin’s embrace.
There were blushes, scattered apologies and excuses. A rock settled in Junsu’s stomach when he glanced back up at Changmin. The rain streaked down Changmin’s face, making it impossible to tell if the streaks on his cheeks were caused by the rain or something more. Junsu turned his back on Changmin then and followed Jaejoong back into the building.
The months that followed were busy. Life ebbed and flowed around Junsu. He wrapped work around himself like a giant blanket, attempting to find comfort in it. Junsu smiled his winning smile; he winked, laughed and played cute for all the cameras. However, when the cameras shut off, he would go back to work. He spent hours composing songs. It seemed that the only real emotions he could feel were the ones he poured into his music. Whenever Changmin would approach him, to talk or even just to sit next to him, he would excuse himself.
Junsu wasn’t sure what was wrong with him. He couldn’t bring himself to think about that rain soaked kiss. He couldn’t bring himself to search his heart, his soul for what might be there. Junsu instead, did what he did best. He worked. He asked Yunho to help him perfect all of the dance moves. Staying up into all hours of the night working and dancing with Yunho them coming home, and locking himself away in the music room pouring out his very being into his music.
It couldn’t go on forever. Junsu collapsed at practice one night; and Jaejoong suggested that he take some time to figure out what was going on. Junsu agreed. He knew that he had been working himself too hard, but it filled the hole in his soul. However, that gnawing feeling never went away.
And so Junsu found himself here. In this tiny little apartment, pretending to find rest and peace. When all he really found was that the gray outside matched the gray inside. Junsu threw the remote control on the floor, and watched as it bounced once on the carpeting, the batteries popping out of the back and scattering across the cream colored carpeting.
Junsu walked back to the window. He watched as the heavens opened up and cried their tears down upon the dry earth. Junsu banged his fist on the window. Tears began to stream down his face mirroring the rain on the window. Flashes of Changmin’s tears filled his mind. The last time he saw Changmin he was crying. After Junsu collapsed, Changmin had run into his room, tears streaming down his cheeks. He had knelt at Junsu’s bedside and confessed his love. Junsu just lie there, once again staring into Changmin’s eyes. Junsu leaned forward, placed a kiss on Changmin’s forehead and then lay his head back upon his pillow, turning his head away from Changmin to face the wall.
This time it was Yoochun who came in and collected Changmin, whispering comforting words, and holding Min close as he cried. Junsu’s heart twisted just a bit when he glanced back and saw Changmin in another’s embrace. Yoochun’s eyes met Junsu’s and they had words with each other without even talking. Junsu felt Yoochun’s reprimand and his gut clenched even tighter. It wasn’t HIS fault that he didn’t know how to handle Changmin’s feelings. Junsu couldn’t manage his own feelings most of the time.
Now, as Junsu cried, he realized that he would give just about anything to see Changmin’s face again. Junsu sunk to his knees and leaned up against the wall, his sorrows pouring from his eyes and soul with gut wrenching sobs. How could he have treated Min so coldly? Junsu knew that Min would never forgive him. He knew that Changmin would move on while Junsu was away. At least that was his hope. He just wanted things back the way they had been. Didn’t he? No. He didn’t.
Junsu got up and walked pulled open the front door. It creaked a little due to lack of use and proper care. Junsu walked out into the rain, and allowed it to soak him. He began to walk then. Junsu passed houses, and trees, people, and animals. He paid little heed to anything. He finally found himself at a lone building, a gray stone building, the same building where he had stood in the rain months ago, wrapped in a strong embrace. He looked it over. There was nothing significant about the building itself. Inside it held offices where people worked and laughed, living there lives day by day.
Junsu felt a strange detachment from it all. He realized that he was living life without really living it. Junsu turned his face up to the sky and closed his eyes, allowing the rain to wash away the pain and the tears. He ran his fingers through his hair, and let out a mournful sigh.
Junsu felt a hand rest on his shoulder. He lowered his head and opened his eyes. He must be dreaming, because in front of him were the eyes that had been haunting him. Junsu reached out and touched Changmin’s face, attempting to assure himself of its reality. Junsu fingers traveled along Changmin’s features. He felt the softness of Changmin’s cheeks, and the smoothness of his chin, and finally the silken touch of his lips.
Junsu leaned into Changmin and placed his lips upon Min’s. At first Changmin pulled back, a bit hesitant, but at the insistence of Junsu’s mouth Changmin fused their lips together. The bond was instantaneous, as was the lightening of the rock in Junsu’s stomach. Junsu wrapped his arms around Changmin and whispered soft apologies on his lips. When Changmin pulled his mouth back, Junsu rested his head on Changmin’s shoulder and just stood there in the rain, enjoying the contrast between the warmth of Min’s embrace and the coolness of the rain falling.
Junsu lifted his tear-streaked face and stared once again at Changmin.
“Just as the rain washes away the dirt and renews the earth, so does your love for me. I have been a blind fool, running in circles. When all along the only thing I needed was right here. You renew me, and complete me. Accept me now, if you still will and I will forever work to be your sunshine to warm you and strengthen you, as you are my rain, washing away my ugliness and renewing my soul.”
Changmin nodded, his eyes brimmed with tears. The sun cleared the clouds just then, sending a warm ray along the couple. They stood there bathed in sunshine and rain, two opposing factors, occupying the same space, the same time.